How to stop being a people pleaser?

 

Mind says NO, but grind says GO.

Are you tired of saying yes to everyone and everything? Do you feel like you have no time for yourself and your own needs? Do you worry about what others think of you and how they will react if you say no? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you are a people pleaser.

People pleasers are those who go out of their way to make others happy, often at the expense of their own happiness and well-being. They may agree to do things they don't want to do, avoid conflict and confrontation, apologize excessively, take on too much responsibility, and sacrifice their own goals and values. While being kind and helpful is a good thing, being a people pleaser can have negative consequences, such as:

- Low self-esteem and self-worth

- Resentment and anger

- Stress and burnout

- Loss of identity and authenticity

- Difficulty making decisions and setting boundaries

- Lack of respect and appreciation from others

So how can you stop being a people pleaser and start living your life on your own terms? Here are some tips to help you break free from this unhealthy pattern:

1. Recognize that you have a choice:

            You don't have to say yes to everything and everyone. You have the right to say no, to express your opinions, to disagree, to ask for what you want, and to prioritize your own needs. You are not responsible for other people's feelings or happiness. You are only responsible for your own.

2. Identify your values and goals:

             What matters to you? What do you want to achieve in life? What are your passions and interests? What makes you happy and fulfilled? Write down your answers and use them as a guide for making decisions. Don't let others dictate your choices or make you feel guilty for pursuing your dreams.

3. Practice assertiveness:

            Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful and confident way. It is not the same as being aggressive or rude. It is simply standing up for yourself and respecting yourself. To be more assertive, use "I" statements, such as "I feel", "I think", "I need", "I want", etc. Avoid using words like "should", "must", "have to", etc. that imply obligation or pressure. Be clear and specific about what you want and don't want. Don't apologize for having preferences or opinions. Don't make excuses or justify yourself. Don't let others interrupt or talk over you. Maintain eye contact and a calm tone of voice.

4. Learn to deal with criticism and rejection:

            One of the reasons why people pleasers avoid saying no or expressing their true feelings is because they fear negative reactions from others. They worry that others will judge them, reject them, or get angry at them. However, these fears are often exaggerated or unrealistic. Most people will respect you more if you are honest and assertive than if you are passive and compliant. And even if they don't, that's their problem, not yours. You can't please everyone all the time, and that's okay. You don't need everyone's approval or validation to be happy or worthy. You only need your own.

5. Practice self-care and self-compassion:

            Being a people pleaser can take a toll on your physical, mental, and emotional health. That's why it's important to take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Make time for yourself every day to do something that makes you happy or relaxed. It could be reading a book, listening to music, meditating, exercising, etc. Whatever it is, do it without feeling guilty or selfish. You deserve it. Also, be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes or face challenges. Don't beat yourself up or criticize yourself harshly. Instead, acknowledge your feelings, learn from your experiences, and remind yourself of your strengths and achievements.

Remember that being a people pleaser is not a permanent trait that defines who you are. It is a learned behavior that can be changed with practice and patience. You have the power to change your life for the better by being more authentic, confident, and assertive. You have the power to stop being a people pleaser and start being a self-lover.